Therapy for Anxiety in Relationships in San Diego
and across CA, NY & AZ
Break free from insecurity and build confidence. Have the deep connections you deserve.
You long to feel more connected, or meet someone special, but your worries and inner critical voice tend to get in the way.
Maybe you…
Think about a conversation you had on a date over and over again, wondering if you said the wrong thing or trying to tell how much they like you.
Not sure how you’re supposed to feel when you’re with your partner. You ask yourself ‘Are they still into me? Do they think about other people? Am I good enough for them?’
Keep dating the same type of person and it ends horribly, again. You’re not sure how you ended up here.
Struggle to say what you need to your partner out loud even though they haven’t said or done anything to make you feel like you shouldn’t speak up.
Are feeling like you’re at the edge of a breakup at any given moment even after you get reassurance from your partner.
You’re sick of asking 3 different friends what you should say in response to a text message from the person you’ve been on 5 dates with that made you feel worried they may not want to date you any longer.
Want to date and find a partner, but putting yourself out there on an app or a singles meetup night feels simply dreadful.
Think you’ve found a boyfriend or girlfriend, but you’re not sure if they’re the right fit or if they want to be with you too.
You have lashed out at your partner when they got home, again. You’re not sure why but you definitely want to stop doing this.
You feel great when you’re with your partner or date, but when you’re not physically together you start to have doubts about how they feel about you all of a sudden.
You end up thinking and worrying about your relationship so much that you have a hard time concentrating on work or on your friends when you’re with them. It makes it hard to relax or to have down time because you’ll continue to go over the same thoughts in your head. It feels like you’re tensed up a lot or on edge when thinking about your partner or when going on dates. You don’t want to feel your chest tighten or your stomach in knots when you’re about to talk to your partner or text your date back. And you especially want to stop having the same worrisome thought spiral over and over about if you said something wrong or if your recent date wants to see you again. It’s distracting you from what you’d rather think about or do.
Most of all it doesn’t get you to where you want to be, which is feeling calm while dating or when you’re with your partner.
You want to enjoy and feel secure in the current connections in your life and build new ones that you feel confident in. I’d like to help you get there.
Imagine a life where…
Can decide, on your own, what to text your date back and feel good about the decision.
Feel ready to talk to your partner about the status of your relationship without an argument.
You’re able to ask yourself if you like that person you’ve been on a few dates with if you’d like to keep seeing them, and know the answer.
You can approach dates with confidence in how you show up and what you offer as a potential partner.
Get reassurance from yourself that your relationship is going well and nothing is wrong.
You can prevent yourself from starting an argument with your partner because you know it’s reasonable to be upset and you know how to talk about it.
You walk away from conversations knowing that it went well and you said what you wanted to.
You know how to figure out if someone that you are dating is making you feel like all your other ex’s did or if they contribute to you feeling secure and confident.
You can feel good about just being yourself and how that comes across to your partner or dates.
My approach is customized to you and your needs, and will be based on identifying the source of your anxiety in relationships. When you’re feeling comfortable enough and ready, we’ll do that by digging into the beliefs, experiences, or values that you hold to be true as well as what’s at the center of your worry in the first place, at a pace you feel good about.
For instance, maybe you…
Have had relationships in the past that you felt uneasy most of the time and it’s affecting how you show up on dates now.
Have feelings of insecurity about yourself, maybe because you don’t feel like you’re good enough or because you think you don’t know how you should act in a relationship.
You watched your parents never get along or give each other the silent treatment so now you’re not sure how to communicate with your own partner.
You hold a belief that you shouldn’t argue ever in relationships or that you should not have to communicate so much with your partner, but that doesn’t seem to be working.
Haven’t had good experiences dating before and you know some reasons why, but there’s some you’re not sure of.
Expect it to be easier to find someone or to be with your partner and sometimes that gets you stuck without knowing what to do next.
These beliefs and experiences can affect how you think about what you’re currently going through and you don’t always realize how much it can affect your day to day life. This is why it’s helpful to have a therapist (like me!) help identify it.
For instance, maybe your goal will be to…
Feel prepared to have tough conversations with your partner.
Be ready and confident going into dates.
Feel good about yourself and who you are regardless of your relationship status.
Have the skills to handle conflict or misunderstandings in your relationships successfully.
Be able to manage difficult thought spirals and redirect them to more neutral and realistic thoughts.
Know how to make your heart and breathing slow into a calm state even when things are hard.
No longer bring past patterns, memories and experiences into your current relationships and instead have healthy communication and relationships.
Make your own decisions confidently when communicating with potential partners and know if you want to continue talking to them.
When we’ve identified more of where your anxiety in relationships comes from then we can really dig into your goals of what you’d like to be different.
Here’s an article for more information about anxious attachment in relationships from the Gottman Institute.
Reach out today for a therapist in San Diego
With knowing where your anxiety in relationships comes from and what you’d like to get out of your time in therapy, then we’ll work together on coming up with ways to actually tackle your relationship worries.
This may look like…
Changing your thoughts from something negative or unrealistic to something more neutral and realistic. For example ‘I am terrible at being in a relationship.’ to ‘I sometimes struggle but I am working on and getting better at being a good partner.’
Working towards changing a belief that you don’t want to have anymore into a belief you do want to hold. For example ‘I am not good enough’ to ‘I am good enough.’
Working out what happened and making sense of the experiences you had that got you to this place of worry in the first place so you don’t stay stuck there.
Figuring out how to help your physical body feel calmer with strategies that work for you to get there (not everyone is into meditation and that’s okay, there’s other ways!)
Helping you map out the actual steps to take on how to do what you’d like to do (go on that date, have that conversation) without panic and with confidence instead.
The takeaways…
What we can work on in therapy for Anxiety in Relationships
Slowing down your thoughts and feelings before you react in a way you don’t want to during a hard conversation.
Feeling sure about yourself and what you say and do without the worry and second-guessing.
Knowing how to turn negative thoughts around so you don’t miss that date or over think that text back.
Feeling at ease when communicating with your partner or potential partner.
Being able to identify when your past is creeping into what you do and say now, and change the direction of your thoughts and actions in those moments.
You deserve to feel calm, connected, and sure of yourself in relationships.
FAQs
Do you work with couples or do couples therapy?
I do work with couples as well. However, there’s a lot of individual self-reflection and addressing your part in relationships that can be done on a 1:1 basis.
Do you only work with people on the anxiety they are having in their romantic relationships and while dating?
I know a lot of the focus on this page is on dating or being in a relationship, but many types of relationship worries you’re having could be addressed in our therapy sessions. A lot of communication and conflict management strategies can be used in other parts of our lives, such at work or with parents.
What if we can’t figure out why or there’s no real reason why I have anxiety in relationships?
I know it often feels like there’s no actual reason for why you’re feeling anxious, but a lot of times anxiety and stress accumulates little by little, bit by bit, and when your capacity for the anxiety reaches the peak limit, it can be hard to tell where it all came from. When we break it down, we can at least figure out what contributed to the accumulation that turns into anxiety.